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My mother and I have not always had the best of relationships and recently it has come to my attention that I don't think it ever will. For a larger part of my adult life she has just simply refused to truly see me and in the past I have tried my best to repair things only for the outcome to be the same.
I guess what I am asking is how do I interact with her in a way that's healthy for me.
Firstly I would like to say thank you for sending in your question. We are all here for you and would like to support you on your journey.
It is sad to hear that you now think that you will never have a great relationship with your mother.
It sounds as though you have put a lot of effort into this relationship in the past, as you say you have tried to repair things many times. It is good that you have decided to try even though she has refused to truly see you.
Unfortunately, any type of relationship can become negative and when a relationship is very one sided it may begin to feel as though your energies are being drained and not getting anywhere. As you have said the outcome has been the same every time regardless of your efforts and this is very upsetting to hear.
We must all remember that although we are put onto this earth together and can help one another, we still have an individual journeys to take and our own inner growth to work through. Some of us open up more spiritually and we all have different levels or emotional, personal and spiritual growth. Your mother will be working on her own path and may have her own things to be working through. As much as you may want to help or change a situation, the other individual needs to make the conscious effort to also be a part of this and reciprocate in the relationship.
When people have these types of relationships in their life it is often beneficial for them to partially distance themselves emotionally and use their energy in other relationships. If you feel as though your energy is being drained it may be beneficial for you to distance a little bit for a short while of time.
This does not in any way mean you can not be there for your mother, but simply let go of any expectations for the time being. It can be upsetting when we spend the time and effort putting energy into something and do not receive the outcome we expected. By letting go of all expectations you are taking away the possibility of any disappointment.
If you haven't already it may be beneficial for you to approach your mother and speak to her about how you feel in a non-judgmental way, with no blame attached and try to find out how she feels. Open conversations may not always go as planned but it may feel better for you to let it go and although she may not be listening right now, there could come a time when she remembers the conversation and acts on it.
I understand why you would like a healthy interaction with your mother, but there is often little we can do when the other individual does not respond to the relationship, other than approach them with love and kindness.
Going forward you should put some energy into the relationship and be kind but leave it at that, be kind and loving but do not expect. Do not expect your mother to reciprocate, do not expect the relationship to change and do not expect her love to create happiness for you. Once we all let go of expectations they can no longer hurt us. It will be hard to let go but you will feel happier within yourself knowing that there are no expectations of this relationship. This will allow you to put effort into being kind and loving towards your mother but still leave each interaction feeling positive.
Whilst the relationship is not as you want it right now, there is no reasons to say it will not happen in the future. Let your mother know you are there and thinking about her, approach her with love and kindness and remember to also spend time and energy on other relationships that give you energy and fill you with love.
Sending you love and surrounding you with light
The Reclaiming Zen Guru
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