Welcome, I hope you are having an amazing day!
I am living at home with my mother. We have got on well for most of my life and we do sometimes have a great time together but recently things have changed. A lot of the time she is upset and angry about different things. She tries to talk to me about these things but she ends up getting angry at me as though these things are my fault. This means that every conversation becomes an argument, this is making me no longer want to spend time with her and I feel guilty for this. What should I do?
I am ever so sorry to hear about your troubles.
It is great to hear that you get on well at times, this shows hope for the relationship.
We have to remember that things may not be as perfect as we wish all of the time. It sounds as though your mother has her own things to work on and things that she is going through herself.
As you live with your mum you may spend a lot of time around one another and unfortunately this means that a lot of emotions and experiences are shared.
It sounds as though your mother wishes to share and open up to you but gets angry and upset about what it is she is opening up about. Sometimes we project how we feel onto others and express these emotions in a way that is directed at the other person. Your mother may be projecting the experiences onto you and transferring how she feels about the other people into her conversation with you.
When we are talking about something that upsets or angers us with someone else we should use extra effort to stay objective and neutral. Explain the situation in a calm way without our emotions getting worked up. We can acknowledge them and tell the other person how we feel without taking them out on that individual. It may be helpful for you to distance yourself during the conversation and realise this whenever your mother begins to direct her anger at you.
It is a shame that you are feeling this way about your mother and no longer want to spend time with her. It is understandable that you feel this way. When someone expresses negative emotions towards you in such a way it can be confusing, upsetting and draining. In this situation your energies are being drained and you are feeling the negativity of a situation that you was not involved in. As you are not involved in there situations it does make it a lot easier for you to distance yourself and decide to remove yourself from these conversations with your mother. You should not feel guilty for having these feelings as no one wants to be in a situation that makes them sad.
It sounds as though your mother needs someone to talk to and would still benefit from spending time with you, however she needs to be aware of what she is doing in order to combat it.
Going forward it may be beneficial to sit down with her and express without blame or judgement how you feel. Tell her your observations and suggest a way forward so that you can both be there to listen to one another and leave future conversations positively rather than in an argument.
In order to stay positive it may be beneficial for you to recognise when conversations with your mother are beginning to turn and politely tell her than you need to remove yourself from the situation.
Sending you love and surrounding you with light,
From The Guru at Reclaiming Zen
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